3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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