remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
