I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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