Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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