So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
