i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
