I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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