i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Randomize
