I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
