I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
