Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
