you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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