and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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