dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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