last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
