Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
