Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
