Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Randomize
