I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
