you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
