why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
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They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
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I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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