So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
