So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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