Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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