Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
