My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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