If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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