I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
