Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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