Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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