im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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