she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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