you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
