I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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