The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
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remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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