dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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