I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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