so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
