Im at strip club and am horny
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
