the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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