I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
