i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
