so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
