Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
A bitchslap is in order.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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