Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
He has the fingertips of a God
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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