I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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