As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
