Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
