If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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