you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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