I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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