I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
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2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
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WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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