you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
