isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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