google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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