Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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