I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I met the friendliest cop last night
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
