After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
