He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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